After a month~~~

About a month i havent wrote any duh!!!lol...damn lazy bum bum meee....what hav i been doing this whole month??let me see!!!lol..mid-terms...mid-term break!!!!...assignments!!!!...duh duh..tonnes of stuff suffocating me to death sumtime i feel!!!...after the sem break and on sem break itself i felt so so so uncomfortable!!why duh??mayb i m too free or everything is in the middle??...i really duno!!!sumting missing out noww!!!!....honestly figuring for so long i still cant think of what i m missing!!!!...yeah mayb cuz of "that" but its jst a pass duh!!!lol...eventhough now...."that" is fading away slowly everyday but it seems cant be faded too!!!...duh..confusing!!!even clarissa feeling it!!!..duh x wonder we are besties!!!..our nat nat,again another 'blossom flower'...wonder when only she make up her mind!!lol.....bluek......on my sem break i was sick duh!!sad case!!i cant go out with huikit,lex,and lou yeh!!!...sad sad..lou yeh complaint that they arent a gud clubber and its so boring that day!!lol lol...........if i were lou yeh i hav ad kick them aside and rush to the dance pool!!!lol lol..bluek...hahaha...now i m so awake,i jst cant slp i duno why...i duno why!!!....God of bed...can u make me slp now??i reli wanna wanna pass my days easily and fast!!i m getting frustrated with this moment of life now!!lol..haih!!....damn crapping this whole post!!...jst to write what i feel now!!!...sowie baby blog!!muaxx...now i m chatting with lex,he is so moody...duh dude dun be moody..if others think that u r an extra item..dun wry...for me u arent ONE!!!...u are such a gud fren of mine!!so dun think so much duh!!!erm k laa..wanna go watch my drama and tmr having fucking early morning cls FILM STUDIES!!damn annoying!!!........muaxxxxx.......

Independent Malaysian

I’d never thought I’d come back to Malaysia. My parents had migrated to London when I was 3, and we moved back to our homeland, Malaysia, when I was 13. It was an unexpected move, but my dad had been offered the chance to return, and he jumped at it. He was a patriot. He always got excited whenever he saw a Proton car cruising down the M-1 highway. He never really liked living on foreign soil. “No matter where you go, Malaysia will always be home.” He’d always say.  At that time, I begged to differ. I had never known my motherland like my parents did, having been brought up in London amongst what my maternal grandmother liked to call the ang-moh’s. At 13, I didn’t really feel like I had missed out on much. After all, I grew up appreciating West End musicals, fish and chips, and Jude Law. So sad to say, I wasn’t as enthusiastic about coming back as my parents were.

 

  Upon arrival, we took different routes. My dad was heading for Kuala Lumpur to set up our new home and iron out any details that needed ironing out, my mother and I were going to spend a few weeks in her home town of Sitiawan (located in the state of Perak). Suffering from severe jet lag, I slept throughout the 3-hour ride to Sitiawan. If there were any sights along the way, I missed them. I woke up to find the car parked in front of a house that was erected on a vast plot of land. I saw a vegetable garden on the left side of the house that seemed to stretch all the way to the back. Turning my attention to the house, I noted that there was a verandah, and steps leading up to it. The house was made out of cement, stone and brick, but was standing on stilts. It had a kampung vibe to it, with a slightly modern touch. “Ah Mah!!” I heard my mother yell up to the house as she dragged her Louis Vuitton suitcase on the dirt road. An old lady appeared on the verandah, and that was the first time I had laid eyes on my maternal grandmother in ten years. Her wrinkly face lit up with a smile as she rushed down to hug and greet my mother. They exchanged a few words, all in Cantonese. Unable to understand a word, I busied myself with getting my luggage out and then stood there and watched. Gradually my grandmother turned to me and hugged me, speaking delightedly in Cantonese. “err, I don’t understand..” my sentence trailed off as the old lady kept going on. I flashed a pleading look of help to my mother. I assumed that what my mother said in Cantonese after that was explaining that I couldn’t speak Cantonese, because after that my grandmother switched to whatever little English she could speak. “You so big already!! Last time I see you, you small baby!!” she exclaimed. “But you very skinny, skinny no good. Skinny no prosperous” She commented, examining me critically. “Well, being pudgy isn’t an option either now is it?” I drawled in my British accent. She gasped in horror. “Ah Chu Ah!!” she called frantically to my mother, “Why she speak like that? Why she no speak like Malaysian girl? She speak like ang moh!!” My mother heaved a sigh and beckoned for us to go up to the house. My grandmother hurried after her, demanding an explanation for my lack of Malaysian character, and I followed behind, silent.

  The few weeks spent in Sitiawan was like nothing I had ever experienced before. My grandmother cooked up a feast every night, with different kinds of dishes. What surprised me the most was that she did not only cook Chinese dishes, but curries and rendang as well! One day as we chopped up fruit for dessert, my curiosity got the better of me. “Por Por (she had insisted I call her this as per the Chinese tradition, and would not take any of my ‘Granny’ nonsense) , why is it you can cook dishes that are not of your culture as well?” The old lady smiled. “Ah Girl, you no understand. Things here different than in England. Here all race mix together. Ever since young, I got two very good friends. One Indian, one Malay. Our parents know each other, and our mothers always together. We all learn to cook together, eat together.” She heaved a nostalgic sigh. “That was before our country free from British you know!!” she added, and continued slicing the watermelon. “Por Por, you were alive in the 1950’s!?” I exclaimed, never knowing she was that old. “Haiya, that time your Por Por was sweet young thing. 16 years old only!” she said with a look of pride on her face. “So did you go, on the day that independence was declared?” I asked. “Haiyo, of course lah!! I remember that day, I went with Aminah and Priya, their parents and my parents, the stadium arr, filled with people you know!! Everybody want to see, but everybody so happy! Then Tunku Abdul Rahman went up to the podium, and he yelled ‘MERDEKA!!’…wah!! all of us so happy!! We all echo him, seven times!!” she exclaimed, finishing with a smile of her face, the watermelon forgotten. I smiled, in awe of it all. “Wow, that must’ve been an amazing moment.” I said. She nodded. “It was..” and then sighed again, this time one of resignation. “But now times different. Young girls nowadays no care about culture, or heritage. Only care about Tong Kuu (Tom Cruise) and Black Pitch (Brad Pitt) lah! They don’t want to learn to cook, everyday only pressing the little phone thing. Haih, now things different already. Look at you..” she touched my cheek softly, and looked into my eyes. First I saw her hopes, what she wanted me to become, a good Malaysian girl, and then beyond them, I saw…that even though I was how I was, she still loved me, although she was a bit disappointed I didn’t turn out to be what she wanted me to be. She removed her hand away, but the impact she made on me was strong enough.

 

  Five years later, I sit at a local KL mamak, thinking of where my journey of becoming a Malaysian began. I look back at my grandmother’s house that I went back to during my school holidays to learn to cook, and to speak Cantonese. I think of the people I’ve met here, my grandmother’s friends, Mak Cik Minah & Mak Cik Priya, and my own two friends Nadia & Sharnya (whom I spent most of my holidays with). Slowly I have shed my British persona and become what I truly am - Malaysian. The mini skirts and tank tops have been replaced with baju kurung’s, Punjabi suits and the cheongsam for special occasions. In KL itself, I have made friends of different races and cultures, and adopted the habit of attending my friends’ ‘open house’. Being a girl of two races, I’m privileged enough to be able to have learnt of both my cultures. Por Por was the bane of my Chinese culture, and my Papa and Mak Cik Minah helped replant my Malay roots. Together with my parents, I have hosted Hari Raya open houses and gone home to Sitiawan for Chinese New Year. My watch flashes 11pm and I quickly yell “Boss! Kira!” and pack up to leave. Most people are at the usual countdown spots, but I have my own countdown in store. As I enter the house, I check my watch. 5 minutes. “Ah Girl, you made it back. You’re just in time.” I smile and join the group of people assembled in my living room. I look at each of their smiling faces and mine grows wider. Por Por, Mak Cik Minah, Mak Cik Priya all seated together on the sofa, while my ma and pa sit on the chairs they moved from the dining room. Seated on the floor are my two friends, Nadia & Sharnya, who beckon me to join them. I take my seat, and together, we countdown together with the images on the television set. “10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1, MERDEKA!!” We all scream together. The three old ladies are hugging each other, and I look up at Por Por to see her smiling at me. I beam back, tears in my eyes. “Ah Girl, Merdeka!” she screams in my direction. “Merdeka Por Por, Merdeka!!” I reply jubilantly. At that moment, I make a silent vow. When I leave for the UK to further my studies, I will not return wrapped in British skin as I once did. I will not forget where I truly come from, what I am, and what I will always be. Silently, I promised myself, and my Por Por this -  When I return, I will return an Independent Malaysian.

 

- End -

Hardworking today!!lol lol

hulalaaaaaa..................eew today ntg much happen duh!!!!...actually after class plan to hang out with cla jin dodo and cuscus but then cla decide to go OU with her frens!!!hmph!!lol...duh nvm..tmr we are goin sungei wang to get jin jin gf bday present...lucky joanne!!!i guess cla is gonna be jealous tmr!!lol lol...she damn bimbo 2day...asking her frens bout collin!!!!lol lol..her mr right aka medicine guy!!goin to murdoch uni!!!lol lol..and cla kinda high oso cuz she might c him at murdoch!!lol lol....cheh...boring jeeeeeeee.....ntg much to do!!!lol lol lol lol........oh yaaa...not so miss dah!!!lesser!!!am i goin to graduate from this??lol lol..hope the so called results getting better but dun reli wanna get better...duh confusing lifeeee...erm erm....how arh??aiya jst take everything ez and calm down!!chil babe chil babe!muax...lol lol......i got so many assignments to do but damn malas to do!!how how how!!!save me...take away my lazyness!!!lol lol....all my frens now doin their work!!damn...cla and jin so bzzz with their assignments!!lol lol.....i shud start oso!!!but i have done 1....i shud post it!!lol lol

ps ;Taking back my love

Go ahead just leave, can't hold you, you're free
You take all these things, if they mean so much to you
I gave you your dreams, 'cause you meant the world
So did I deserve to be left here hurt?

You think I don't know you're out of control
I ended up finding all of this from my boys
Girl, you're stone cold, you say it ain't so
You already know I'm not attached to material

I'd give it all up but I'm takin' back my love
I'm takin' back my love, I'm takin' back my love
I've given you too much but I'm takin' back my love
I'm takin' back my love, my love, my love, my love
My love

Yeah, what did I do but give love to you?
I'm just confused as I stand here and look at you
From head to feet, all that's not me
Go 'head, keep the keys, that's not what I need from you

You think that you know
(I do)
You've made yourself cold
(Oh yeah)
How could you believe them over me, I'm your girl

You're out of control
(So what?)
How could you let go?
(Oh yeah)
Don't you know I'm not attached to material?

I'd give it all up but I'm takin' back my love
I'm takin' back my love, I'm takin' back my love
I've given you too much but I'm takin' back my love
I'm takin' back my love, my love, my love, my love

I'd give it all up but I'm takin' back my love
I'm takin' back my love, I'm takin' back my love
I've given you too much but I'm takin' back my love
I'm takin' back my love, my love, my love, my love

So all this love I give you, take it away
(Uh, uh huh)
You think material's the reason I came
(Uh, uh huh)

If I had nothing would you want me to stay
(Uh, uh huh)
You keep your money, take it all away

I'd give it all up but I'm takin' back my love
I'm takin' back my love, I'm takin' back my love
I've given you too much but I'm takin' back my love
I'm takin' back my love, my love, my love

I'd give it all up but I'm takin' back my love
I'm takin' back my love, I'm takin' back my love
I've given you too much but I'm takin' back my love
I'm takin' back my love, my love, my love

I'd give it all up but I'm takin' back my love
I'm takin' back my love, I'm takin' back my love
I've given you too much but I'm takin' back my love
I'm takin' back my love, my love, my love, my love

Ooh, my love
(I'm taking back my love)
Ooh, my love

I Would Pick You

As we lay there together on the grass, a thought found its way into my head. “Hey” I poked him. “If Charlene and I both fell into the sea, who would you save?” He bit his lower lip, as he often did when he was in deep thought. “It’s a tough call,” he mused. “My steady girlfriend or my best friend?” I kept quiet, still gazing up at the sky. “I think I’d save Char.” He concluded after a while. “What?” I turned toward him. “WHY?!” He grinned and turned toward me, so that his face was only a few inches away. “She doesn’t know how to swim.” I pushed him hard and he fell onto his back. I rolled over, laughing, and then turned to him again. “No, seriously, who would you pick?” He stopped laughing and sat up. “Oh you girls. Always asking these questions. What’s it matter anyway?” He grunted, somewhat irritated. “Well I want to know..” I pressed on. “Please..” I pleaded softly. His face relented. “Alright. Let me think about it. Like I said, it’s a tough call.” He gave me a stern look of finality. I smiled happily. “Okay!”

 

A few days later, Greg passed out at the supermarket while we were stocking up on ice cream. At the hospital, we found out that Greg had a tumor in his brain. His sister starting sobbing uncontrollably into his mother’s arms, while she herself cried. Greg was silent. He sat there, white faced, and kept his head in his hands for a long time. I watched him intently. Finally, he looked up, and asked. “How long more do I have to live?” The doctor heaved a sigh. “not very long, I’m afraid. About 4 to 5 months. 6 if you’re lucky.” The words hit me hard. I heard the sobs of his mother and sister getting more pronounced, but I couldn’t bring myself to cry in front of him. I walked out of the room with the bravest face I could summon, and once out in the corridor, I let the tears fall.

 

“Hey” I heard his soft voice above me and looked up. His eyes were red. Wiping away my tears, I stood up from the corner of the corridor in which I had been crouching at, sobbing my own eyes out. “Hey” I replied, sounding very much like a strangled chicken. “So, I’ve got 4-5 months more to live.” The words came out so cold I felt another sob coming out. Trying my best to hold it in for his sake, I nodded. “Ah huh” I choked out, and with it out came the sob. He looked at me as more sobs came out and I tried desperately to control myself. “Hey, come here..” he said softly, enveloping me into his arms. I cried uncontrollably in his arms, holding him tightly, and I felt his tears fall onto my head. “I…don’t…want you…to go” I choked out helplessly. “I know. Neither do I. I don’t want to leave you.” He whispered softly. We pulled away after a while, and tried our best to smile. “Hey, we’re going to make every minute last right?” he said. I nodded. “Definitely”

  Greg held on for 7 months. The last month he spent mostly in bed. He broke it off with Charlene at the beginning of the 7 months, even though it hurt him. I was with him as much as I could be. I spent all my time with Greg, helping him with stuff, sleeping on the pull out couch in his room (after the first few sneak outs, my parents yielded to my request of staying at Greg’s). I spent a lot of time with his family that way, and we both gave and took support that was much needed from each other. Greg, even till the last moment, still cracked jokes to make me laugh. He didn’t want the last few months of his life to be sad, so we all put on a smile, just so that he would get by. He was in pain, we knew, but he still laughed and made everything seem easy. He was strong that way, and for him, I promised to be strong too.

 

Greg passed on one Saturday night. I was by his bedside. He died holding my hand. His mother and sister cried throughout the service and the funeral. I somehow couldn’t bring myself to. Sometimes in your life, you reach a point of sadness where it numbs you. That was me. Numb. I saw him get buried six feet under ground. At the beginning, I couldn’t bring myself to watch, but I pressed on, for Greg. A week later, I was sitting on the verandah of my house. His mom and sister were clearing out his stuff. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, despite an invitation. His mom said she would bring over anything that had anything to do with us. I nodded. I wanted them.

 

I saw her walk over with two huge boxes of stuff, one piled on top of the other. She placed them on the floor next to me, hugged me tight, and left. She was hurting too, I knew. I opened the first box and saw that it contained all the pictures Greg and I ever took together. At picnics, at outings, everything. I searched inside me for some sort of emotion. Nothing. Closing the box, I opened the second one, right at the top, was a letter, with my name on it, in Greg’s handwriting. I tore it open.

 

“My dearest Monique,

 

If ever you and my crush fell in the sea,

No matter how much I liked her,

I would save you.

If you and my girlfriend were stuck in a burning house,

No matter how steady we are,

I would save you.

If you fought with my wife and I had to choose,

No matter how long we were married,

I would pick you.

Because, as much as I like her, I love you so much more,

Because, as steady as we are, you and I are grounded to the floor,

Because, as long as we were married, we’re friends for a long time more.

I’ll never leave you, so long as life permits me to do so,

So never doubt or fear my dear,

For even if it were between immortality or just a day with you,

I would pick you.

 

Your Ever Loving Greg”

 

            It was dated the night I asked him the question. As I held it close to me, I cried. Harder than I’ve ever cried before. I knew then, that in my whole life, I would never find another friend that would love me as much as Greg did. And he was gone.

*Its for my assignment , its jst a dream btw for "I would pick you"

 

Oh My God!!!another few weeks!!!lol lol

Huuuuuuuuuuuu.......I'm back my darling blog!!!!!!!!!lol loll....so sowie for did not blog for a week of 2 weeks...due to my internet connection failure and so on my lazy that why i m so lazy to blog after its recover..lol lol.....the past weeks i was so so so busy also...full with assignments and stuffs!!lol lol....i cant even rmb what happen for the past few weeks but for sure there's sad and happy duh...lol lol lol....ok lets come to college and friends.....again my best friend C.N.H.Y...lol lol...this bimbo gal..she is 19 this year...but dun even hav 1 single bf b4!!sad case duh..so I'm doing some matchmaking for her..lol lol....she is jst so dumb dumb!!!lol lol..she hav so many target now.....ridz,kram,zw & slk brothers...*she gonna skin me if she see this duh*...lol lol...btw we hhad bet that if she get a bf b4 her bday or on her bday....we gonna treat her a meal if not she gonan treat us if she cant get 1 yet!!lol lol...college now!!!so damn hectic.....having tonnes of assignments...group & individual....some are ok especially the group for particular subject...damn...kinda sienzzzzzzzzzz.......wonder izit all the nerdy or typical chinese are like that???btw jst fucking piss off on that day and one my so called fren betrayed me in a sense *you'll noe when come to MRM*....duh jst jk i aint that sum1 whu angry u for that long......but jst bear with it laaa......lol lol.......ok love heh!!!let me see...we hav stop contact for few days.....wonder whats 'w' doin??'w' wont know how much hav i done....for 'w' i m just a liar and sum1 whu harm 'w' always.......haih........yeah as we hav promised each other if i fail,we'll stop contacting each other....its been 2 days we havent contact...can i let it go???duh...forget it ba...face the life now!!!!muaxxxx............2day i went to lou yeh hse,he,nigel,michelle & lee shyang still so cute!!lol lol....ok i will stop here 2day!!!c ya darling blog!!muaxxx.....

Betray

Thought of getting a fair answer from you after so many months true heart

The one beside you having straight hair wont treat you well

Your heart's betray my love and life , i sold off the whole world but end up getting ashes

Your cruel betray all the dreams of love , the dreams all lasted short while , love its like an alarm press it and it will stop . 

A year later!!I am back!!!!

Wowwwwwwwwww....finally i m back after...shit...maths suxx....lol lol...oct , nov , dec , jan , feb , march & april....7 months damn!!!!lol lol..i m so fucking lazy..lol lol lol...ok...these 7 months...seriously...alot of things happen....family,love,friends & studies!!!its like all jst a dream btw!!!damn!!lol lol lol......friends??damnnn....this 7 months....old frens leaved and new frens came...college frens...duh....1st gand and 2nd gang fail!!!3rd gang now...dora,cla,jin jin,dom dom & iza...damn...they are so cute!!!!lol lol lol.......yeah cant b deny we do hav some diff opinion on assignments but if we do really communicate it does helps alot btw...seriouslly..communication plays and important role in everything...so this is why i m in MASS COMM!!lol lol......but iza left us back in college,cuz she hav this conflict with lecturer's & college so she decide to quit.gud luck babe!!!!miss ya....lol lol....love???damn...dora and dom dom couple....jin has his own gf at PD!!!...left onlt me and cla!!but being single we are proud of it btw!!lol lol lol....duh...jst dun feel lik looking for one now after the previous..its like...dreams will always be a dreams...forget it baa!!!its takes a long time to forget but still....trying now to forget!!lol lol lol.....hey baby blog,i noe u will b ther for me owes to let crap all my stuff here whenever i m sad and hardworking!!!lol lol...muaxxx....ok family,crappy....still otw to build a relationship with them but its like ther is owes a gls between us..but i will still try...they are owes ther for me especially mummy although she is kinda "r&b" aka grumbble alot but she is so so so nice..lol lol...i wonder if she is an r&b artist she would defeat neyo all!!!lol lol..crappy!!..lol lol..studiess..damnn...fail and pass..as usual...but of cuz pass subjects are the majority not the minority!!!lol lol lol.....taking 6 sub this sem......film,mp,cb,pr,advs &cs!!!lol lol...cool subject!!!...its tiring but i think i can cope up btw!!lol lol..muaxxx...

Days Without You

-DAY 1-

House its like a shell now , turning around in the night on my bed .

Mind been messed up , mood swingy around and round .

Start to miss you again and again , reflecting our songs .

Pictures of ours floating on my mind .

Decision between black & white , its so hard to decide leave or stay .

Our memories became a thick novel .

Without you my life been messed up and I'm lost .

Facing it alone , without anyone .

Tears rolls down into the coffee and tasted so bitter like medicine , letting me suffered .

Facing it alone , loneliness .

Even there's a wall behind , I'll also feel insecure now .

If you did not appeared , without our so called 'MEMORIES' .

Even today now I'm having tug war single handed , I wont feel difficult .

*will i forget you in 30 days time?*